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Thursday, May 15, 2003  
The Birds

Vicious gulls are swarming into UK cities according to a report written by Peter Rock in this month's Environmental Health Journal. In it, he says:
They regard buildings as islands with cliffs all the way round. They have found urban living in Britain highly advantageous. There is very little disturbance on rooftops, no predators and large quantities of food close at hand. Ample street lighting enables them to pick up discarded takeaways before street cleaners have a chance to clear up, and if it is edible they will eat it. (Quoted in the Guardian 12.05.03)
Easy living. Thug Gulls. They've progressed to stealing food right of our hands, purposely aiming crap at our heads, and attacking old ladies and dogs with their huge yellow beaks (this is all in the official report! Can you imagine? They're aiming at our heads). Herring Gulls are the nastiest, most vicious, sordid bastards out. Cardiff has the worst gulls in the UK: mutant gulls with appetites and cries like desert vultures. And they're huge, way bigger than gulls I've ever seen anywhere else, although apparently they're like that in San Francisco too, so maybe there's some sort of West Coast thing going on. I once saw a Herring Gull dragging the whole carcass of a large rabbit along the ground just off Penarth Road; I've also seen an old Grangetown lady make the mistake of throwing slops on the pavement outside her house and being rushed by a posse of ravenous gulls - she bolted back indoors fast, face as white as death, some sadistic git next door hanging out of his window and laughing (wasn't me). The Gulls are moving inland and colonising us.

1:46 AM

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